“IN the infant stage, the primary spiritual agenda revolves around oneness and togetherness. This is when the deepest bonding takes place. The child and parent infuse each other, rhythmically synchronizing their body and mind to the other. The child’s breath, cries, and gaze merge with the parent’s original biological and psychological signature, creating a new template. The parent’s mindset, including fantasies, fears, inhibitions, and courage are registered in the infant’s body at a cellular level. Everything is stored, enriching the blood, making the skin smoother, strengthening the muscles. The way a child’s parents burst into laughter or smiles only hesitatingly, welcome the rain on their face or run for cover, embrace their fears or cower in shame, invite challenges or succumb to doubt, panic or calmly soothe their infant when it cries—all of this is noted by the infant, who is soaking it in. This is where the bricks and mortar of the infant’s sense of self are laid, and where the parent first forms its identity as a caregiver and nurturer.” —Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering our Children, Preface by His Holiness The Dalai Lama, 2010.
When I became pregnant with my first child, Corina, I opted for parenting classes. My intention was to be a nurturing mother who loved my daughter unconditionally, and one who can also provide the space for her to gain independence, self-reliance and be decisive. I stumbled into Magda Gerber’s philosophy of Raising Self-Confident Children, who derived her parenting principles from watching orphans, raised in one of Hungary’s orphanages. As they grew, they became self-confident children. She debunked the myth that foster children cannot become healthy self-confident children. Her philosophy anchored on “respect for, and trust in the baby to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner.”
Babies have innate wisdom from birth. From that innate wisdom, we take cues and respond to their needs, Magda told us.
Like diapering changes, or changing clothes, or feeding them, we can watch for their cues, request for their cooperation and respect their boundaries.
A chore becomes an invitation, to dance and to be in synchrony: the parent with her infant or the grandparent with her grandbaby. The infant is not pulling away, but learns to be a teammate, and the parent/grandparent becomes a patient and communicative caregiver. Both souls are then enriched with the experience, a smile to the caregiver and more conversations from the caregiver to the infant and gratification becomes the results for both.
Magda encouraged us, the parents, to provide a 24/7 safe environment, free of hazards — nothing that would make the babies fall and with no objects that could harm them.
When an infant is lavished with this conscious presence, a quality kind of attention, as in an adult observing his/her play, displaying a keen interest in who they are. These actions lead to making the child feel more secure, appreciated and that “secure perspective becomes the way that the child sees life.”
Raising them with this full measure of respect communicates to an infant, that s/he is a human being, and not as an object, with either a pacifier on her mouth, or placed in a walker. (The New York Times report on research studies by pediatricians showed walkers delayed infants’ brain development.)
Magda Gerber emphasized growing infants to be “an authentic being who feels secure, autonomous and competent.”
Mutuality of respect
Magda showed the parents a safe play area: a wooden deck, framed on three sides, with adults blocking the entrance. She laid out a simple rug, and some toys: toys that did not make noise, unless they were picked up and shaken by the infants. Some had shapes which infants can hold onto, like a simple handkerchief, held it up in the air, to be looked at. I watched several infants gravitate to the colored handkerchiefs and kept themselves occupied at this simple play.
Another held a plastic ball with many holes, big enough for infants’ fingers to grab onto, while a stack of plastic cups and even stainless spoons were in one corner for the toddlers.
While Magda was teaching the parents, the infants were busy. The infants were laid on their backs, some were able to turn over and did. Others crawled. But they stayed occupied with their toys, undisturbed by adults’ instructions or cues.
Magda got us to recognize that it is about making the infants first, respecting their needs first, and with that invested primacy of respect, the infants respond back by respecting parents.
I tried this with my two children, raising them to be self-confident, decisive with what they want to be, and now competent, self-reliant and quite compassionate productive adult/citizens. They are not perfect, but to this parent, I admire them for showing me how to balance life with fun and convictions to pursue their careers and social causes.
With Princess
Princess’s day starts with a greeting, with both grandparents giving her hearty kisses and a welcome fit for a Princess. She responds with joy, kicking both of her legs and the biggest smiles.
I simply sit beside her and with my smartphone, record her moves from play to play. Let me share a highlight: one day, my husband, Enrique was playing the violin for her. Princess crawled to her xylophone, a toy I gave to her three weeks ago and showed her once how to use the sticks. That day, she took one of the sticks and pounded on her xylophone. At such a young age, she interacted.
When I needed to write an article, I waited until she was asleep. But, one day, I couldn’t, so I set up a play zone in the library. As she crawled towards the piano, I knew that was my cue to stop. We sat on the piano bench and she touched the piano keys. After the requisite attention she needed, I put her down to play again.
When I respected her needs, she ended up respecting mine. Not all days are idyllic, but most days are.
Dr. Tsabary reminds us that caring for infants teaches us to access the deepest parts of our hearts and souls. We imprint our children with how we care for them, much like what Magda Gerber taught us. Teach them that they are royalties deserving of our quality attention, and they become independent, self-reliant, self-confident, competent individuals. But also, we must teach them how to pray and how to love God with all of our beings, as we are loved by God, who created us all in His likeness.
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Prosy Abarquez-Delacruz, J.D. writes a weekly column for Asian Journal, called “Rhizomes.” She has been writing for Asian Journal Press for 8 years now. She contributes to Balikbayan Magazine. Her training and experiences are in the field of science, food technology, law and community volunteerism for 4 decades. She holds a B.S. degree from the University of the Philippines, a law degree from Whittier College School of Law in California and a certificate on 21st Century Leadership from Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government. She has been a participant in NVM Writing Workshops taught by Prof. Peter Bacho for 4 years and Prof. Russell Leong. She has travelled to France, Holland, Belgium and Mexico and 22 national parks in the US, in pursuit of her love for arts.